3 • you are my best friend

A quick video and an important thought on the first promise.

Rustic Dancers at The Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York (Eastern Han dynasty, 25 - 220). They look like they were probably best friends.

This is part of my series on enjoying a better marriage. It begins with a promise—You are my best friend. I love you. I am sorry. I forgive you.

If it’s new to you, the opening post is a better start.

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Promise 1: You are my best friend.

Like so many words and phrases, a best friend can be interpreted in so many different ways, regardless of what any dictionary, study, or relationship expert might say.

You and your partner should be on the same page here, or at least understand each other’s perception of what a best friend is. This begins with what both of you will likely agree is the first ingredient of best friend pie (too cute?) — good communication.

Minimize the importance of this and eventually, you’re unpleasantly fucked.¹

So let’s start here.

It’s external—between you and your partner. And it’s internal—just you, perception, self-talk.

That’s a lot of places for things to go wrong. Probably not the best way to look at it, which proves the point. Why not see it as a lot of places for things to go right? Maybe that’s the cortisol of too many decades showing up in the lining of my sometimes nasty little heart.

Communication isn’t only about word choice, delivery, and intonation.

After some time together, looks can carry sentences and breaths can speak paragraphs. I remember being in the kitchen with my wife in year 19 or so. She said something and I let out a slight audible sigh—my memory of it, anyway😉

“Can I share with you what I think you’re saying with that sound?” she asked.

“Sure.”

She listed 5 different things.

“Every single one of them,” I said.

While my sigh was an efficient use of syllables and breath, it’s not how I want to communicate with my best friend. I want to be to her what I hope she’ll be to me—encouraging, caring, listening, patient, affirming, loving, and fun.

I don’t want to be an asshole,² and I don’t want to settle for good enough. I’m a 212er. I want to be a pleasure for my best friend.

Even with all these years of practice, I still make too many mistakes. Some of which I don’t understand. Like the experience I share in this video.

° I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Paul the apostle (Romans 7:15)

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I’m joking in the video, but the exchange happened.

I love that she pushed back. It helped me notice what I said. And because we’ve been a team for so long, I smiled. Don’t think too much of my calm. I can knee-jerk my reactions just as easily. We were walking to a restaurant. The mood was good.

It reminds me of a remote scene from an old movie that's stayed with me—Misery (1990). The sheriff in the scene is talking with his wife, and she answers with a little edge. He responds calmly with, “You see. It's just that kind of sarcasm that's given our marriage real spice.“

Funny how many times that clip has relaxed my responses over the years. I’ll even use the line sometimes. A favorite of My Lady’s is a pause and smile trailed by, “Bless your heart.”

Good communication is a practice. It requires continual attention and resilience. It’s similar to what goes into creating and nurturing a 212 mind.

Good communication is one way to say, “I love you.”

More to come. Why not now?

I’m publishing this as a living thing, hoping it will help a few people now—today.

I’d hate to let my concern for fully worked ideas get in the way of what might have immediate utility for someone.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. That and a nickel might buy you a gumball.³

Revisit » 1 • the partner’s promise | 2 • bags, change & us

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° We had great adventures and a lot of them…

George Carlin | American comedian and entertainer | 1937 - 2008

Speaking of his relationship with his best friend and wife, Brenda.

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Feedback is love. Please email me with edits, thoughts, comments, or suggestions (or put them here in the comments). Please don’t be shy or worry about my feelings. Quick, blunt, and maybe interesting or helpful⁴ is always welcome.

1. I understand how my use of colorful language might upset some people. I went back and forth on it. “That’s too much, Sam. Maybe soften it with ‘screwed’. Why not remove all sexual innuendo?”

I don’t know. Maybe I will eventually. But I thought it might make more people smile than not.

2. Whoops. But there is an upside if you’re paying attention.

3. Do we still have these?

4. “Maybe interesting or helpful” is meant to free you of concern.

I’d rather you risk sharing something with me than being concerned it might not land well. If your thought implies I’m stupid or an asshole, you might be right. If so, I’d like to try to fix it.