1 • the partner's promise
I don't know anything for sure but...
True
My parents divorced when I was 51.1
Sweethearts
I shared that with a 76-year-old married person sitting with her shoulder against mine on a plane. We’d been talking about our lives for a while. I’m guessing it was a combination of things said that had me put that detail into the air. I usually do it when I want to drive home a point about not taking things for granted in relationships.
“That’s the thing,” she said. “We all, at some point, stop trying to be sweethearts.”2
Boom.
The promise
You are my best friend.
I love you.
I am sorry.
I forgive you.
That’s it really. Letting our spouse/wife/husband/partner/significant other know, every day, through our actions and words, that they’re our best friend and we love them. When we make our mistakes, we apologize. When they make their mistakes, we forgive.
Yes. The details in there are enormous.
That’s what makes it the wonderfully rich experience it can be.
Us. We.
I get the need to be an individual. But, marriage3 begs for a joint effort.
It’s the ultimate team.4 To see it as something less is not only to miss out on the wonderful opportunity it is, it’s also to make it unnecessarily difficult. If you’ve got an indifferent strain about you, it might not be too painful. But if you’re consistently indifferent to this extremely important person in your life, you might consider holding off on proclaiming your permanent love for them in the first place.
This ride’s for the committed.
Wonderful opportunity?
Finding another human being to share your life with—someone you will deeply care about forever and who will deeply care about you forever—that’s a beautiful thing.
There’s all kinds of warmth, excitement, growth, connection, nurturing, and safety to enjoy in there. There are also the functional (business) benefits: financial, legal, division of labor (maybe), creating or adopting humans, and caring for and developing those humans with the help of the other person (hopefully).
That’s opportunity.
And all that good stuff depends on two human beings staying attentive (mindful) to each other—every day. Not a great bet once puppy loving is over, but that’s where patience, resilience, and real love come in.5
It can be wonderful if you want it to be.
Too late for us
Maybe.
But if it’s not something significant that’s making it too late6 but more like a lukewarm place you feel can be improved, this could be you and your partner’s reboot moment.
I get it. Might be a paddle moment (CLEAR!). So what. Either way, maybe wonderful is still possible and worth going after. If not now, maybe these thoughts can help you in the next round … sweetheart 🥰
A little fun before we continue…
YAMBFILY (yam - filē)
That’s the first two points of The Partner’s Promise acronymed—not a real word so be careful not to poke out an eye with it.
I first introduced this idea at a birthday dinner back in November of 2019 to a few long-married couples and a young couple that was dating. I shared the acronym with a little melodrama and booze and things got silly. But for those of us at the table, YAMBFILY stuck. I remember it as a fun night. Puts a smile on my face. Smiles feel good.
It’s been helpful to me and some other people. I hope it works for you.
YAMBFILYIASIFY (yam - filē - es - if - ī)?
Yea. Too much.
You are my best friend.
I love you.
I am sorry.
I forgive you.
Next: 3 things to keep in mind (keep reading)…
Feedback is love. Please contact me with edits, thoughts, comments, or suggestions. Please don’t be shy or worry about my feelings. Quick, blunt, and maybe interesting or helpful7 is always welcome. This is a living body of thoughts and ideas that changes with new information, added discussions, and more experience.
Oh and…
I hope you know it hasn’t been all puppies and rainbows at the Parker house all these years. We’ve had our shit for sure. But again, that’s where patience, resilience, and real love come in.
My wife and I have been partners for almost 35 years … the first 3 years were as girlfriend and boyfriend. Isn’t that cute?
sweetheart: n. a person with whom someone is having a romantic relationship. | romantic: adj. conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.
To keep things simple here, I use the word marriage to refer to a formal and long-term relationship/commitment. But, I believe the partner’s promise is a good approach to any meaningful romantic relationship.
I like making up UsNames. My otherhalfofus (sounds like snuffleupagus, I hope you smiled) and I are Jam (Jennifer and Sam)? We’re sweet😉 We have friends named Jally (Jeff and Sally), Brie (Brian and Stephanie), and Soel (Samantha and Joel). My favorite UsName for a couple is Gwe (Gabriel and Wendelyn). They’re real and they’ve got We in their UsName? And it’s one syllable. Come on!
I think it’s a beautiful thing but I’d never, at the beginning, put money on a marriage lasting forever. Again, I’m saying I think it can be wonderful. But if we make it a business, I’m not investing.
What’s significant? Abuse (physical, emotional), infidelity, and addiction are obvious possibilities. But, indifference and divergent growth/thinking can also be substantial challenges depending on the levels. I know … a little scary.
“Maybe interesting or helpful” is meant to free you of concern.
I’d rather you risk sharing something with me than being concerned it might not land well. If your thought implies I’m stupid or an asshole, you might be right. If so, I’d like to try to fix it.
The promise rings true. We met in high school and married three years later. We've been married for over 46 years now. It's one of the greatest blessings in my life. It's not been a constant dance through fields of flowers, and not every moment has been wonderful, but it has endured. Ther's a lot of forgiveness built on the foundation of the promise. Thank you for capturing that.