time flushed

Am I asking a lot?

Wall mural in Richmond, Virgnia.

It was in the last few days of my 61st year of breathing when I realized I no longer had the ability to listen deeply. Poor practice for too long. (Maybe I never had it.)

Does that make you want to spend your finite time talking with me?

I hope not.

I hope you want to talk with people who give you their undivided attention in a conversation.

Time flushed. Not fully. Not always. But, often.

I’m trying to fix this. It’s incredibly difficult for me. I’m very good at giving advice I don’t follow. In taking on this project, I notice all the time I’ve wasted and taken from others and myself.

I’m able to keep device-free and not multitask, but too often, when someone else is talking, I allow my attention to drift, or I put it on developing my response. Other than my immediate family, no one’s told me they see my inattention. But I’d bet big they’ve felt it. I don’t want to do that to people anymore, and I don’t want others to do it to me.

Many of us tolerate divided attention. Some of us don’t mind it. Our conversational norms evolved to allow interruption and invite distraction.

Sometimes we have to be patient with it. Someone’s buying what we’re selling. We’re part of a team that allows it, and we want to get something done without the fallout. But do we have to tolerate it in our personal lives?

Of course. But we can minimize it.

I don’t want to talk by phone anymore. Video, in person, or in writing only. If it’s live, I want to see if we’re together, undivided. If you’re going to multitask our conversation, I’d rather give my attention to someone/thing else. I’m happy to have an asynchronous discussion in writing. (Happy if you write well. Patient, if you’re working on it.)

If we eat together, I’ll make sure no one can reach me. I hope you’ll do the same, barring the impending birth of your child. (Kind of you to make time for me with that in the background.) You might see my phone given QR menus now, but I won’t give it or my wrist any attention beyond that. I’d love you to return the favor.

Am I asking a lot?

Tell me what a lot is.

I will lose friends and conversation partners over this. That’ll cost me, socially and in what I can learn from others and think about. So either I tolerate divided attention, or I’m rude by perception, putting my rules of engagement on you.

Can I give someone my undivided attention for an extended period of time? Can I ask questions and listen deeply? Can I stay with it through the occasional long wind and self-important response? Can I respond without my own wind and ego?

How will I better notice when I’m doing or not doing any of it? What will I do when I become aware? Won’t that distract me from listening?

I want truth. I want a conversation that’s undivided.

I will not read or write anything while we talk. For me, it’s impossible to do either and listen well at the same time. But, I’ll slip. My attention will drift. I’ll work on my response while you’re talking. Those are my weaknesses to fix, and I’m up for it. Feels fun so far, but a little pathetic that I find myself here in my seventh decade of breath.

I want to stay here with you, in our words, together.

You like cotton candy?

Oh and…

If I missed you: Vinnie’s lesson on objectivity.